Uncle Unaware Family Despises His Last Minute Gifts
CAPE TOWN—Sources on Tuesday reported that local data entry clerk James Butler remained blissfully unaware of his family’s contempt for his last minute Christmas presents, this despite years of strong hints and earnest pleas. And insiders confirmed that Butler staggeringly managed to again sour the convivial atmosphere at family Christmas this year when he started handing out yet another trademark selection of thoughtless and impersonal 'gifts'.
Launching into his cringeworthy Santa impression, Butler began distributing hastily wrapped items to the grim-faced members of his family.
“Jesus Christ,” Butler's brother Paul spat bitterly under his breath, peeling back some re-used wrapping paper to reveal a small box of little chocolate liqueurs. “James knows that I don’t like anything too sugary, and that I rarely drink ... he just picked these up at a petrol station on his way here, I'm sure. Just goes to show how little the lazy bastard cares about his own flesh and blood.”
But, unable or unwilling to register his younger brother’s visible distress, Butler kept on handing out presents. “The sort of gifts you buy a total stranger you couldn’t be bothered trying to impress,” muttered his sister, Sandy. “He says he’s too wrapped up in work to do much shopping. But he doesn’t even have any kids … yet I somehow managed to get presents that show my family how much I care … and how much I know about them!”
She motioned silently toward their mother who stared coldly at a partially wrapped DVD-set of paranormal conspiracy thriller, Millennium. “Mom once mentioned enjoying murder mysteries, so the best he can muster is some ancient show about ghosts and vampires that he used to watch. He probably just found that on his shelf!” she seethed, eyeing the scuffed DVD case in her mother's hands.
When asked for comment, Butler told quite a different story. “It’s true, I often do my Christmas shopping late,” he explained while taking a swig of his fourth or fifth beer. “But work's got me doing crazy hours, and lately I’ve had a lot of bills to pay. I don't always bring the flashiest gifts, but it’s the thought that counts,” he smiled, seemingly impervious to the glares from his fed-up family.
“What I mean is ... that Christmas is really about is spending time with the ones you love,” Butler chuckled.“Although, at some point in the day, some of them do tend to get a little tetchy ... but that’s to be expected when you’re tired out from cooking all day and putting up such lovely decorations,” he continued, motioning vaguely towards the magnificent 8-foot Christmas tree in his sister’s lounge. Behind him, his niece quietly pushed her half-unwrapped knock-off Dragon Ball Z toy to the bottom of the bin.
“Between you and me,” whispered Butler. “This is about as much cheer as I can take in one sitting. Christmas really isn’t my thing. But I always put in the effort! I know how much it means to my folks and siblings that we’re all together under one roof.”