5 Reasons Why You Need an Elder Thing Sad Shirt

If you're still unconvinced, here are 5 compelling reasons why you need one of our new Elder Thing Tees.

1. Your Social Standing Will Increase 

Capable of abstract thought and non-essential whimsy, human beings enjoy visual stimulation and getting a joke. Our Elder Thing shirt employs the post-modern concept of parody, by juxtaposing two disparate cultural references. 

By recognising even one of these references, you can join the social ‘in-group’ of those who “get the joke”. Your ticket to these Elysian fields? A simple chuckle or verbal signal of your understanding. And voila, you’re one of us. 

2. It Will Help Your Torso (The Core-Stump of Your Body) Stay Warm 

Maybe you’ve never heard of it and you think I’m talking about some old prog-rock band from the 1970s. But the torso is actually pretty important when it comes to your health; housing your lungs, heart, stomach, kidneys, liver and Lord knows what else.

It’s a kind of meaty box that houses the organs that power the body. Lose even one of these ‘organs’, and you’ll probably die right away. Or maybe you’ll just become paralysed and be unable to feed yourself, swim backstroke, or dance. 

Alarmingly, organs are susceptible to cold. On the plus side, a solidly frozen organ (of any sort) will remain in good condition for ages. But, on the downside, a frozen organ can’t process bodily inner-goop. And Winter’s here… so we’re all gonna die, right?

Wrong. Just a single Elder Thing shirt provides a convenient cloth tube for your torso, keeping it warm and preventing the chilling, seasonal death that awaits most human beings each year.

3. The Mother Demands It 

You’ll notice I didn’t say your mother, or even my mother. I’m of course talking about the Mother of Abominations. The Scarlet Woman. The One who shall herald the end of all things and prepare this world for the return of the Old Ones.

4. We Don’t Use Child Slave-Labour  

Let’s face it. All the big clothing manufacturers do it. Whether it’s the spinning of the cotton for your cotton socks, or polishing the brass buttons on your blazer, every part of everything you’re wearing was made by a brutally-exploited-and-beaten-and-worse child.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror and tell me what it feels like to be clad in the raw suffering of innocents. Unless you’re more of a monster than Hitler, you should hate yourself right now. 

But here’s a chance to redeem yourself, you despicable filth. We don’t use children* in any area of our operation. It’s all ethical and legit to the level of the Dalai Lama or Jesus or something. So wearing an Elder Thing shirt announces to the world that you don’t condone the brutal exploitation of children for profits, and that you’re willing to put your money where your mouth is.

* For the sake of this advertorial, a child is defined as a person ten years old or younger.

5. You Could Win an Original Artwork Where I Draw Your Face on Some Gross Monster

I should probably have lead with this, since it’s a more tangible benefit than the other rubbish I came up with. Basically, if you buy one of the Elder Thing shirts before Sunday night, you’ll go into a lucky draw. 

We’ll put all the names in a hat and draw the winner live on Facebook on Sunday night. Since there are only 15 shirts, your chances are pretty good. And if you win, I promise I’ll spend a decent amount of time on the drawing, instead of just phoning it in like I never ever do,  ever. So it’ll be something nice (or at the very least, a conversation-starter) you can actually put up on the wall.